Proper Dining Etiquette

I received a letter from the electric company today informing me that they would be sending someone soon to remove my left arm in payment for my bill. I was just glad that they are taking the left and not the right, as I am totally inept with my left hand and therefore totally dependent on my right. I have, however, been working on that. Each time I dine at someone's house provides me with a new challenge. As it is "improper" to switch hands from cutting the food to eating it, and placing a knife in my left hand has the potential to be lethal to anyone within a ten-mile radius, I have been forced to eat using my left hand. This is easier to do with some foods than others, though on a whole I think I would be better off using my toes. This complicated manner of eating has resulted in a few semi-embarrassing moments that would have been made even more so had they been noticed by others. Due to their proximity to the mouth, the nose and chin are popular destinations for forkfuls of food. :o)
Another challenge provided by dining chez someone else is the matter of what to do with your hands when they are not transporting food. The lap would be a convenient, comfortable resting-place but that, too, is "improper" in France. Hands are to stay above the table which, depending on your height in relation to the table, can be rather awkward. Elbows are not allowed to rest on the table. Having spent the summer working at a camp where you had to run around the table if you were caught with your elbows on it, this last point is not difficult for me to follow.
The final dining ritual it is important to follow is the practice of bringing something for the host. It is impolite to show up with empty hands. Wine and flowers are common gifts. Not knowing my way around the extensive wine aisle, I have gotten into the habit of bringing a bouquet of flowers. I have become such a familiar face at the local flower shop that they have given me a frequent shopper card. I get 10% off my next purchase. :o)